Dance Upon Disappointment??

     There is a song that I recommend you take time to listen to today. Heroes _ Amanda Cook  (Click on link to listen)

     Alyssa sent me a text the other day and said "You need to listen to this song" When I get an order from Alyssa I pay attention. She is one of the most encouraging, uplifting people I know. Needless to say I listened to it and promptly bought the entire album so I can listen on repeat whenever I want.

     The part that I cant get out of my head is this -

I will trust
Here in the mystery
I will trust
In You completely

Awake my soul to sing
With Your breath in me
I will worship
You taught my feet
To dance upon disappointment
And I, I will worship

     This past month has felt and still does feel like a season of disappointment. Scans I did the end of September showed enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen. So we dived in full tilt to tests and Dr appointments again. A biopsy showed cancer is back again.

     Just today we went to Baltimore to see my surgeon for his opinion. He agrees with my oncologist that surgery is not an option right now and the best plan of action is to start chemo again. I am not even going to pretend to be excited about this but I will listen to the advice from Dr Gushchin. He said "If this was me I would focus on short term goals and work real hard to do each step well." To his credit he did say that there is no way he can put himself in my shoes and feel what I feel but he said "there is no way I could spend time trying to predict the future - it would be too overwhelming."
   
      I pray for purpose in this journey every day and also courage to fight this battle. I am trying to wrap my mind around dancing upon disappointment and then renewing my commitment to worship even in the midst of the difficult. My heart wants to and I know only God makes joy a possibility in the middle of huge disappointments like this. Pray with me that my Joy would be restored and I can focus on one day at a time and learn to trust God completely.
   
     On a much happier note - Dale and I got to spend a week in Texas to celebrate our 20th Anniversary last month!! I will tell you all about that in another post.

     Thank you to so many of you who have been praying, caring and encouraging us. We are so grateful for friends and family who walk beside us so fearlessly in the journey. We love you all!

    Be blessed and please keep praying -

*  for our family as we all work to sort through our emotions
*  for wisdom for the Drs that work so hard to take good care of me
*  for courage to keep fighting this battle
*  for physical and spiritual healing in my body

Celebrate!!!!

     In an attempt to explain and share some of the stresses of living post chemo/surgery I am going to tell you a story...

      I am labeled "NED" (no evidence of disease) on my chart since my last scans. Since then I have been trying to figure out how to live in the space of healing. The Oncologist's plan of action is blood work every three months and scans every six months. So every three months it is time to do more tests and time to wait for results. I can't even explain how much I want to completely trust Jesus and believe that the next tests will be good. But the question comes up in my mind "What is the definition of good test results?" If the tumor marker numbers are high does that mean the good days of no doctors and treatments are over? How would I handle it if the cancer does come back? How would I find the energy to fight cancer again? But each time I know the answer - God would still be good, I would still know He is with me, and He would give me strength and grace to walk through whatever happens.

     So Tuesday was another lab appointment and I am sad to say the weeks/days leading up to the appointment I found myself worrying too many times. I didn't talk about it much because how do you say "God healed me of cancer but I am worried sick about the next tests" ? See it sounds like I don't really have faith doesn't it? Living from one test to the next is a reality of living post cancer/treatments.

     Monday eve I was laying in bed in the dark and I just blurted out the question. "Honey, aren't you worried about my blood work tomorrow? " His response took me off guard - he just said "No, I am not. Are you?" Are you kidding me? My flesh almost wanted to hear him say he is stressed too but I know he is a man of God and one strength he has is he doesn't spend time worrying. Why was I surprised? Maybe because I had given so much space to my flesh and my misery wanted company. I knew right then and there I wasn't fooling myself any longer. I asked God for peace and strength for the
next days during the test and waiting for results and I confessed my anxious thoughts and worry to Him.

     God is so amazing and always keeps His word. He filled my mind with peace and I slept real good that night.

     Today I got the results from the test and I am so overwhelmed once again that the report is good! My numbers are in the normal range again so the plan is to enjoy the next months free of treatments and stressful tests!! Thank you Jesus!!! He is continuing to heal me and I am so grateful.

     At the supper table this eve I asked Dale if he was serious when he said he wasn't worried. He said yes he was. I said I am OK with him not helping me worry but I am gonna ask him to help me celebrate. So we all went out tonight and enjoyed some good ole Ritas ice!!!

   

One Year Later

     It is with a thankful heart I look back on 1 year ago. God is so good and He has been with me every moment of this overwhelming year.

     It was one year ago today that I had a colonoscopy done to find/diagnose issues I was having. As I reflect back on that day I ask myself questions like - How have I grown this past year? What did I learn about God? How has God shown me purpose in this journey? I was looking back on my journal and an entry from April 1st caught my eye. I will share some of it with you.

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     I wrote the verses from 1 Thes. 5:16-17

      "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing"
   
      If I understand these verses I should always be filled with joy and I should pray about everything.

      How does one choose joy when fighting cancer? How does one choose joy when they lost a loved one? How does one choose joy when their teenager is making destructive choices and is difficult to live with? How does one choose joy when pain is a constant part of their day? How does one choose joy when they lost their job? The list is endless - we all have difficult things that are a part of our lives.

     Maybe the answer is to pray without ceasing or about everything- that means I give to God whatever matters to me today. It means I don't try to fix problems that are not fixable. It means I trust God enough with my future to not worry today.

     Is the reason I choose joy for my benefit or is it for God or even for others? Maybe it's all three! If I choose joy it makes room for peace. If I have peace it means I am giving God permission to work in my life as He wants. If I am at peace my family benefits because peace and being stressed out don't mix. (A stressed out mom/wife is no fun to live with!) And finally if I choose joy in the midst of pain God gets the glory!

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     God is working on me and growing my faith. It hurts a lot sometimes to walk through tough stuff but I am learning to look for God in the tough times. He is teaching me to have a grateful heart and learn to thank Him for all the gifts He showers on me every day. Choosing joy is a CHOICE and sometimes I don't FEEL like choosing joy. But the times that I have the courage and strength of heart to turn from the thoughts that steal joy give me courage to keep pressing closer to the One who knows me and loves me enough to walk with me.

     Do I trust God enough to choose joy for my journey? Do I respond with joy in trials? What does joy look like in your everyday?

     Be blessed and be brave enough to choose joy!

A restart on blogging!!

     I will start this post with an update on where we are in this crazy journey of fighting this cancer. I realize it has been a long time since I updated here. I can't explain it in a way that makes sense but I am just better at talking about stuff than I am writing about it. I always hated creative writing class at school and sometimes writing a blog feels like a creative writing assignment. But I want this to be about sharing with you the reader where we are not only physically but also I want to share some of the thing God is doing in my heart. 

    The scans we did in January showed there aren't any tumors! We breathed a sigh of relief and praise God every day for the healing work He is doing in my body! My oncologist recommended I do 6 more treatments to knock out any stray cancer cells that might still be there. I am in the middle of those 6 rounds of chemo right now. I do a treatment every other Thursday and bring the chemo home with me in a pump til Saturday when my infusion nurse comes out and unhooks me. I haven't gotten real sick with these treatments but I feel like I have a flu for a couple days and the couch is my best friend. I have 3 more treatments to go!!!!

      God has protected my body from sickness and infections in such an incredible way. I haven't spent time in the hospital besides for my surgery in October. My oncologist continues to be amazed at how good my blood work is and he says every time I see him "You look so good and healthy! Just keep doing what you are doing." And every time I remind him that God is healing me!

      When  I think back since my surgery I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God and all the blessings He has poured out on us. It took a long time for my body to recover from the surgery and I was in a dark place of discouragement and depression for a couple weeks. It felt to me like nothing was getting better and life would never be "normal" again. Well life still isn't normal but it is good any way. My friends and family poured out so much love and support to me and our family over that time and I met God face down on my bed many times. I know God in such a more personal way because of that dark, vulnerable time. I don't wish something like that on anyone but I am so thankful for all God showed me in that time. God is real and He is faithful in our time of need and always! I clearly remember the days when I would stand in the shower and beg Him to give me enough strength to finish my shower and for the day ahead. The verse that says " in our weakness He is made perfect" came alive to me. When I am strong I tend to forget that He is the very breath that I breathe and I am nothing without Him. 

      These days I am back to being mom and taking care of most of the household chores like doing the laundry, cleaning and cooking. I thank God that I can drive myself places and do the grocery shopping on my own (although I like to take one of the boys along because their muscles come in real handy!). 

     Our boys have been so incredibly patient and understanding this past year. They have grown in so many ways and I pray they will be better men because of some things they had to deal with. I pray God uses this for good in their lives.

     I continue to ask God for purpose in this journey and He shows me good things that happen along the way so many times. Each time someone shares what God is teaching them as they watch me and our family in this journey I thank God for showing me purpose. Because if even one person is drawn closer to God through our story that gives it purpose.  

     Isaiah 26:3 is one of my favorite verses and reminds me to trust God every day/hour/minute "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you" I have peace from God but I need to trust Him in order to be blessed by His peace. So I will keep working in making trust my default instead of worry. Maybe I will talk about that some more another day because it is such an huge part of my journey - this thing of trusting God!

     Be blessed!



   

   
   

A Phone Call with a Good Report

Good afternoon- Dale called!
Caroline here writing on Carol's behalf  as you,  who are checking in and praying along with them today while she was in surgery  and we have all been waiting for news, hopefully good news -and that it is!
Surgery went well.She came out of surgery around 5:00.
The Doctor came out and reported that they were able to get ALL the spots removed from the liver! Amazing report! Truly more than Dale and Carol had hoped for. The initial thought from the doctor weeks ago was that he would remove what he felt could safely be taken, than possibly in January go for surgery again. But with this wonderful report they will not need to have another surgery!The tumor in her rectum was also completely removed.
She will be in ICU tonight and possibly another night depending on how she is tomorrow.
They are expecting her to be in the hospital for a week.
 Dale's parents and Carol's parents spent the day at the hospital with Dale.Ben was there for a bit this morning. I was glad to hear of the support which of course, didn't surprise me at at all.Dale said the day didn't really seem long for them- more evidence of the presence of God and answered prayer.

I so wish I could be there and look forward to being there next week. Carol is like a sister to me and one of my dearest friends!

I am going to take the liberty here to say thank you to all of Carol's friends for surrounding her the way you do. It has given Chip and me so much encouragement as family- so very far away - to know that she has such incredible support! I know you all are so blessed by her life and she is blessed by yours.
Keep praying!

~Caroline

Just the Hem

There is this story in the gospels of a woman who had a bleeding issue for 12 years. She spent all her money on Drs who tried to heal her. I read the story lots of times and always was a little critical of her for just sneaking up behind Jesus and touching His garment. I understand her story a little better these days. 

She was considered unclean because of her bleeding issue and if she touched others they were unclean then too. She pressed into the crowd and when she finally got close enough she reached out and touched the hem of Jesus' garment. Immediately she knew she was healed! Jesus stopped and asked who touched Him. When the woman came forward he simply told her her faith made her whole. 

How amazing is that? It only took her having enough faith to touch his clothes. She didn't even ask Him for healing!! 

When I imagine if Jesus came to my town I would run to Him and put my arms around Him and beg for healing. But some days the voice of the enemy is so persistent in trying to make me believe that God has bigger problems and he tries to discourage me and make me feel like I don't have enough faith. Those days I picture myself just reaching out to touch His hem.

 I have labeled those days as "hem days" meaning all I can muster is to breathe the name of Jesus and cry out for grace and strength to walk this journey and I reach out in faith that His hand is reaching down to me. 

The amazing part is Jesus is always there for me when I cry out to Him.

 I don't know how my healing will look but I know He will heal me in His time. I might not get an instant miracle when I touch His hem but I may need to walk through my healing. There is another healing that God chooses sometimes for His children and that is healing through calling His children home. The important part for me is to trust Him and keep on in faith and hope of healing. 

Surgery is scheduled for the 16th - it is only days away now! Dr. G will remove part of my liver that has cancer spots on it and also the original tumor that is in my rectum. They anticipate it will take 6-8 hours and I will be in the hospital for 7 days. We will be at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore. Please pray for continued peace in the next couple days. Pray too for the surgeon and all the nurses who work so hard! I pray God blesses them in a big way!!!

Please keep our boys in prayer too. It won't be easy for them to be at school and their jobs that week but I know they will be taken care of too! Dale is planning to take the week off and be with me most of the time. He is my rock and I love knowing he can be there.

I will continue to hold on to what I know - God is real no matter what I feel and He is always with me! 

- Be blessed!

What I Know

There is this song that i heard for the first time the day I had my scans and the Dr called before I even got home and he wanted to see me that day yet. I was on my way back to his office when I first heard this song.

 What I Know talks about when we don't understand what we are going through and the tendency is to throw our fists in the air or have an all out shouting match because of how unfair and scary this all is.

But what I love about this song is how it talks about holding on to what I know. Knowing that no matter what I feel God is never more than a breath away and He is real - more real than anything else. As I talk about my cancer journey to my boys I remind them often of three things that I hold on to no matter what.

The first thing is God is real and He will never change. This means I can read all about Him and who He is in the bible and it is always true and real for my life today. How comforting to know that when all around me things are changing so fast I don't know how to keep up.

Second on this list is God will never leave me. He is ALWAYS with me. I don't have to ask Him to be with me when facing a scary test or procedure - but rather I can THANK Him for being right with me. I often picture myself crawling on His lap for comfort. Because (I will let you in on a secret I have) I am actually scared of lots of things when it comes to needles and pain and anesthesia and on and on...so He is my safe shelter when I am freaking out or scared.

Third is God always has a plan and purpose for everything we walk through. Some days I struggle with wanting to argue with God about some stuff. One thing is I just want to know how me spending days on end with no energy to do anything but sit on the sofa is a good plan. But I was challenged 5 years ago by my brother Amos when he was going through cancer and fighting for his life. He said to me one day when I took him for his radiation treatment. "Carol, if you don't believe and trust that God has a good plan for everything you don't have faith." He went on to say that his journey doesn't make sense to him but he is willing to walk the journey in faith that God has a good plan. What a testimony of faith he was to me that day.

So I choose to walk this journey one day at a time and trusting in God's plan for my life.

On Monday Dale and I met with the surgeon in Baltimore again. He was happy with the last scan and we scheduled surgery! I am relieved to know there is a plan in place to remove the tumors but at the same time a little freaked out. He talked about things that could go wrong and complications that could happen. But once again I say God is the final authority over my body and I am not counting on the Dr to perform a miracle but I am trusting my God for healing and any miracles He sees fit to bless me with.

I am believing that surgery is just another step on my path to healing.

Be blessed!

What I Know click link to listen.